Don't
by bonesmad
Summary: When did the unspoken thinigs begin. How do you find the line? An added sceen in Tuvix. One Shot


She sighed as she sat down at her dresser, the day had really taken it out of her. reaching behind her head she picked out the all too familiarly placed pins letting the majority of her hair down loose. She picked up her brush and began undoing the days knots. The feel of her hair falling softly around her shoulders onto her silk robe actually helped her relax, though tonight it wasn't helping as it usually did. She couldn't get her mind off Tuvix, Tuvok and Neelix.

She didn't expect to be getting to sleep anytime soon. Digging out a PADD she brought up her archived letters from Tuvok. They were void of the usual affection one expected in letters that were valuable enough to save, but she took a different comfort from them. The more she read tonight though, the more troubled she felt.

The door chime was an almost welcome distraction as she absentmindedly combed.

Putting the PADD down she pulled her robe a bit tighter as she moved back to the living area, wondering briefly who was calling so late.

"Come in." the door slid open and her first officer was standing there looking at the floor. "Chakotay?"

"I…. I'm sorry I shouldn't be here." He said as he clapped eyes on her, she could see the blush rising on his neck.

"No you're fine. Excuse me I was just getting ready to turn in." she wrapped her robe even tighter, though it wasn't really possible.

"I should have realised." He shook his head, eyes still boring into hers.

"Can I help you with anything?" she tried to cough lightly, to clear the lump coming to her throat.

"I just wanted to… I wanted to talk to you." He said nodding. "I've been thinking a lot… especially with all this Tuvix thing."

"You and I both." She scoffed lightly. "I can't stop thinking about him. About them all."

She pretended not to notice as his eyes moved down her form, right to her bare feet. But she couldn't even pretend to herself that her heart didn't speed up at the sight.

"Please come in." she gestured behind her into the living area.

"Thank you." He moved passed her slowly, clearly carrying a lot on his mind.

"Can I offer you a drink? Something to eat?"

"No, no thank you." He waved a hand. "I don't want to cause you any trouble. I don't really know what possessed me to call on you so late."

"My door is always open." She smiled kindly. "Even if I'm not in uniform." She chuckled, and he responded with a bright grin.

"Yes I don't think I've seen this ensemble in the Star Fleet standard uniform shop."

She shrugged and sat on the couch.

"There are some rules even I have to break." She raised an eyebrow.

"No grey cotton lounge trousers for the Captain." He laughed openly and took a seat down the couch from her.

"Never, ever since I was a child I have had to be comfortable to get to sleep. My mother will tell you what a chore it is to actually get to me even wear anything. But over the years on ships I've learned that, that is a dangerous game."

It took her a few seconds to realise that what she'd said had embarrassed him, his cheeks now flushed red now too.

"I… eh… I would imagine so." He managed to reply.

"Sorry, enough about my sleeping habits." She shook her head, cross with herself for getting so unprofessional when he'd come looking for help.

His dimples had come into play now she noticed and the blush had crept away again.

"Don't worry, any personal information you let slip through is welcome." She threw him a side eye.

"You know more than anyone else on board this ship already. I better hope you don't turn on me." He just smiled. "Tuvix is a really unexpected twist isn't he."

"Extremely. I can't decide if I should be looking at it like we've lost two crew members or that we have gained an incredibly competent one."

She stopped short and leant back from him shocked.

"Two integral parts of this crew are gone, how can you possibly forget that." She near scolded.

"I'm not forgetting that." He defended. " I'm simply saying that there is also a new life to consider." His calm voice made her feel almost guilty.

"You're right. Sorry. Losing Tovuk has unsettled me."

"I can understand." She noticed that they had moved closer to each other without her meaning to. His leg was now mere centimetres from her bare knee. "Kes is another greatly unsettled."

"We'll she's lost the man she loves." Kathryn shrugged. "it is expected."

"Yes." He said solemnly.

"She is so young. And feels everything so much."

"Are you suggesting losing a loved one is easier when you get older?" she looked up at him, his face now just above hers, his eyes asking an entirely different questions.

"Not at all, it never gets easier." She said softly. "to be divided from someone you love." A lump had formed in her throat. "through death, distance, circumstance… or unfortunate transporter accident." She said calmly, though her heartrate was a complete contradiction.

"I can believe it." he nodded. She diverted her gaze and managed to look over his shoulder. It was then she noticed that the tie of her robe had slipped open to reveal more of her chest than she wanted to.

"When you came here I thought I would help you, not make the mood more depressing."

"Well this is exactly the subject that has been keeping me awake. The loss of love. How quickly you can lose it all." He said softly, his breath catching his cheek. "And is it worth it."

She looked up at him again, feeling the weight of his stare as their eyes met.

"Of course it is. It makes life worth living, human connection." His eyes visibly darkened as she spoke, she got the sudden urge to run away. stand up and flee from the conversation.

"Human connection…" he repeated so quietly she automatically leaned toward him just to hear.

"Chakotay please…" she muttered. "…Don't." she managed to say just in time.

The door chime went just as the disappointment flashed across his face. The noise startled her and she stood suddenly.

"You need to go…" she said quickly, pulling her robe once again.

"What?" he stood too.

"I don't want a member of the crew to see you… us… like this." She said clearly flustered. She grabbed his arm and moved him towards her sleeping quarters, shoving him lightly before moving towards the door. She tried to ignore the deep chuckle that radiated from the direction of her bed. Taking a deep breath, she replaced the well-practiced captains mask. Looking down and grabbing the closest thing to her, a PADD, she ordered the door open.

"Kes."

"Captain!"

Seeing Kes at the door straightened her out completely, seeing the young Ocampa is such clear distress pushed everything else away. She felt totally back in control when faced with the sight of a troubled crew member.

"Captain. Sorry I shouldn't have bothered you this late. I'll talk to you tomorrow." Her heart broke for her.

"Actually I was having trouble sleeping. I could use some company" she lied easily.

/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\

He looked around the room feeling slightly guilty, his heard was still racing from the shared moment on the couch, that was the closest he'd felt they'd come to giving in to everything unspoken between them. And now here he was standing in her bedroom, not exactly under the circumstances he'd envisioned, but here none the less.

"I'm not ready to give up on him. no matter what the doctor says." His ears perked as Kes spoke slightly louder. He would never understand it fully, but she clearly loved Neelix deeply.

"I know how you feel…" his captain's words made his stomach tighten. "…You're experiencing what people on this crew have been going through since we first got stranded in this quadrant." _Including her_ he thought. "Do we accept that we're separated from our loved ones forever? Or do we hold onto the hope that someday we'll be with them again" the knot fell as he listened intently to her. he knew exactly who she was talking about.

"What do you do captain?" he leaned forward as Kes posed the interesting question.

"Oh… I struggle with it every day. Sometimes I'm full of hope and optimism. Other times…" he froze as she paused to cough. He was vain enough to hope she was thinking about him at that moment. "I dream about being with Mark and it's so real. Then when I wake up and realise it's just a dream I am terribly discouraged. In those moments it's impossible to deny just how far away he really is. And, uh… I know that someday, I may have to accept that he's not part of my life anymore…."

With her words he felt bile rising up in his throat, his face was red and his head was starting to pound.

He'd heard how she'd struggled to say that, knowing that he was probably listening. He should have known all that though. He should have known just how conflicted she would be. Her fierce loyalty was one of the reasons he'd fallen in love with her.

She had promised herself too another man, of course she honour that.

His gut was twisted so tight he felt sick, he was no better than a drunk trying to cop a feel. He was pushing he even though he knew it would hurt her.

He was so busy scolding himself that he didn't even hear her coming into the room.

"I'm sorry I don't know why I reacted like that." Her voice made him jump slightly.

"I do." he said solemnly. "You can't have it going around the ship that you were found in a… out of uniform with your first officer in the middle of the night. I understand."

She put a hand to her mouth, stifling a laugh.

"I never expected to have to hid a man in my room again in my life."

He couldn't help but grin. She didn't seem to be holding his earlier actions and feelings against him.

"Am I to take that as a confirmation you've done it many times before?" he asked carefully.

She grinned slyly.

"Take it whatever way you'd like" a silence moved in between them then as she stood looking at each other. Her bed between them. "I presume you heard Kes and I…"

"I did. sorry I couldn't really help but…" she shook her head and raised a hand.

"I'm… I'm glad you heard it." she said calmly. "I'm so afraid of giving her the wrong advice. Especially when it is maters that I am so unsure about myself." Her words were heavy with other meaning. he could see the pleading in her eyes.

"I believe you did extremely well. You always do." he said calmly. Her smile softened

"Thank you." She crossed her arms and took a small step towards him. "Chakotay I hope you know I…"

"Please Captain. Don't." he said softly, unable to watch her suffering any longer. "Some things don't need to be said. I heard you." Her eyes were beginning to fill with tears. "Goodnight Kathryn."


End file.
